In Front of me

Pain. It is the worst sensation ever. I could not breath. I had to pay attention to every single movement.  I can describe the sensation as if my core was dark and heavy, impossible to carry facing forward. I felt like it became a dark hole and its energy were trying to eat me. In October 2nd 2012, I was naked in the shower, I could not stand up, the idea of sitting down was even worse, and lying on the floor was impossible. Pain: According the medical theory there is a scale of pain from 1 to 10, I was feeling 9.99%. I needed to protect my belly, so I contracted my body, my legs were close to my chest and my arms were hugging them. There was only one possible movement: stay as a newborn. Life gave me the opportunity to be a fetus for the second time.

I got pancreatitis, one of the most dangerous diseases. This condition has two paths: to die, after a pain that takes over your entire belly, or to live.  I took the second option. However, the lesson is that those moments where the price that life gave me for trying to be perfect. Before that day l was working as crazy, the time was water I wanted to take with an open hand; my life was based on waiting for the end of the month, for the salary.

I open my eyes in a green room. I have an intravenous in my left arm. In front of me, there is an old man from a poor town in the coast. At my left, a heart attack patient. At the right, there was a man in his 40s dying of AIDS. A one, a 27-year-old worker with a rebel pancreas, same as mine, died a day later. It did not take me long to realize I had to think about my condition and why I was there. Doctors gave me a lot of instructions: eat better, no exercise, no candies, no fat, no dancing, not living. But the lesson was simpler: life is like a tiny spark, all the heat, energy, tissues, revenge, experiences, memories or happiness can disappear in one second. I needed to learn how to use that fire. I was not enjoying my life? Why I was isolated? What did mean, “change”?

My body was telling me it could not carry my spirit. And the spirit was telling me it wanted to be free again. Free? I was raised to be special and sensible. My mother told me she was proud because I always had good grades and my father taught me about listening and understanding what people are telling me. Unfortunately, I wanted to be the winner of the race with a cold heart. Now I realized that playing in the system is easy because the goals are simple: having a house and a car, enjoying vacations in the beach and creating a family. I do not want to do that. I hate to be a statistic because I am not a number. I like the idea of being a little bit of everything. I am the guy who loves the smell of the rain, the sound of the heels in a wood floor, the broccoli with lemon and salt. I love to be a smiley guy because in my mind I am creating my own movie every single day and I love to laugh about my own comedy.

But, what about sharing? Movies were not created for a single viewer. I am living in a system that tells you that first is I, second is I… and finally is I. I totally agree with the first part because we have to take care of ourselves. That is the foundation to ask about the others: Is she feeling ok? Does he need my help? Can I hear them for one minute? We need to open your defenses – The empty bed in front of me was a mirror, an unknown life was gone, and I had the opportunity to stay. - I have been thinking about the importance of our existences and there is no answer. At least, I have a nice declaration: I do not want to live an isolated existence; I want people to feel that my presence is helpful for them. My life has sense because the people around me. People are so important as the way I love myself: infinite.

I do not care if my words sound banal as a beauty contest speech. By the way, love is about beauty. So I think: let’s make practical that contest.  Talking is easy, and complaining is one of the most sophisticated human skills. But in order to live in a beautiful world we need TO DO, and that means to change what our heart knows is wrong. That is easy to understand, my mom told me we do not need to define what is “bad” because is so simple to feel. Then, if we want to change we need to define a list of priorities, such as breath deeply in the fresh air, jump for joy at least once a day and feel a chill three times daily. I do not want to find the reasons and the data to validate my existence; it is a waste of time. Life is simple, and enjoying it is artless.

I have been learning how to listen to my body, I can recognize when my insurgent pancreas wants to slow down. I understand when my mind is overwhelmed and my body can feel it. It is the best relationship I have ever had. Now I am learning how to hear people. What are their stories and do they want to change. Probably there is something we can change together. Probably changing is not their plan but we can share our movies.

After 3 years I am so proud my core is bright again.